A dark tale from within the mind itself

[Fliptastic29]

A dark hand reaches out...
260 miles away a stranger calls a friend...
1 mile away a family of deer impale themselves against a red 1/2 ton truck, Annihilating them upon impact.
Subtract 261 miles.,
And grabs my arm,
startling and confusing i coincide with the hands actions.
5 miles away a little girl is taken away from her home and beaten and...
Subtract 20 miles.,
I find myself captured and lost among many revealing corridors all ajourned with deer carcasses.
Why have i been taken to this place,
i do not know, but i do find myself in a confused and scared state of mind.
Finger tips tingle,
Heart pounds,
and most of all legs tremble...
Add 5 miles then subtract 20 again.
I hear screams from far down,
it sounds like a small girls voice,
but i cannot be certain...
Add 280 miles.,
The friend answers to call almost immediately asking the question, "What next"
the stranger speaks with a foreboding reply, "It is time to complete your journey"
Subtract 280 miles...
What journey could he be speaking about?
What do i have to do with all of this?
I hear foot steps and smell a smell that brings about vomit to my mouth.
I hear a scream and look out my door,
i see nothing.
A slow smoke begins to appear down the corridor, so i begin to follow it to the point of origin,
only to find that in all reality i have passed the point of no return.
(Being that all the doors have found themselves locked behind me!)
Scared urine cover jeans and me remain following the trail,
lower and lower i go,
untill the screams are so loud i begin to wonder if they are my own...

Darkness, Smokey Darkness,
Inevitable death,
screams...

Vomit covered chest,
urine covered jeans,
screams...screams,
tick, tock,
tick, tock,
flip, flop,
flip, flop,
my footsteps are all that i can hear,
THEN IT HAPPENS...

Add 500 miles,
Subtract 220,
Then subtract that answer by 280

What you find is that now is 0,
REM Sleep is were you'll find me,
and for what was just said above,
it was all but a dream...

[Hannibal]

Flip!
I LOVE THIS PIECE!
I think the idea is brilliant!
I really like the usage of numbers, jumping in adding subtracting, each line, related to the appropriate line above...
I really like the way it was laid out
.
.
however

I hear foot steps and smell a smell that brings about vomit to my mouth.

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Using smell twice in one sentance takes away from it.
And I think the ending was.... hmmm... too much.
you should just leave it as 0.
the part where you got to "0"
I liked it there.
the rest made it seem to "narrative" for my tastes...

[Fliptastic29]

Thanks, [img]smile.gif[/img] So when are u going to come back up?

[sarafina mable]

i absolutely agree, this piece is fantastic. i had to read it over and over b/c i was so curious about the math! i have to be a follower again, i think the piece could be improved by ending at 0.
especially b/c of the wording of the last line
"What you find is that now is 0"
the 'now' is so strong in the sentence.
really awesome job here!

[Hannibal]

Headed to Chicago this weekend... But by plane.
I want to come see you guys again soon, and bring my new roomy with. You'd dig him.. we'll get him drunk... hehehehe... he's a bar virgin [img]wink.gif[/img]

[Fliptastic29]

A BAR VIRGIN!!!
How depressing [img]smile.gif[/img]

Thanks sarafina mable for the comments.,
As i look at it i agree with u guys it would add to the poem to just end it at 0.

[machinery]

an idea:

maybe you could have the shape of the poem be a math equation

shape the text as plus minus equals, you know?

or am i confusing?

right now i can't pinpoint what i'm trying to tell you

also:

maybe space out the poem when mathematics comes into play; give the eyes math too.

[Fliptastic29]

I like the spacing out idea!

[Hannibal]

Machinery is pro - listen to him flippy, you'll enjoy his ideas.